New Year 2016

Another year has passed.  It went by so fast.  I looked at the list of old resolutions I made.  I think I did well.  The one resolution that I stuck to the best was to really live a healthier lifestyle.  I consistently went to the gym all year.  In a week, it will be a whole year of me going to the gym and eating better.  It has now become a habit.  I hope to keep it up for the rest of my life.  The biggest lesson I learned in 2015 was that I need to do whatever makes me happy in life.  After Digo passed, I started analyzing what my life needed to be like.  I am still working on personal and professional relationships with others, but I think I'm finding a better balance as time has gone on.  I plan to travel to new places each year because I want a o experience and see as much of the world as possible in my lifetime.  In 2015, I visited Arizona for the first time.  I finally made it to the Grand Canyon.  This year, I hope to make it to Kauai or Seattle....or even revisit a place I've been to as a child so I can see it through my eyes now, like New York.  2015 was a tough year, having lost Digo, but it was also an enlightening year.  I grew a lot as a person because of what life brought me in 2015, and I plan to become an even better version of myself in 2016.  I always want to move in the direction of bettering myself.  I think over the past few years I have definitely had the most difficult times, but I've also become very happy in many ways.  It's definitely the path I want to continue to follow.

Putting on the To-Do List

Restlessness

Mindf#ck

I put myself through something today that could only be described as a mindf#ck.  I allowed myself to go through some pain for the sake of Digo.  I will have to endure another session in two weeks.  They say things happen for a reason.  I'm hoping there's a good reason and a good ending for me because of this.

Thin Line Between Life and Death

My dear friend Digo has been on life support due to a ruptured brain aneurysm.  I saw him just recently.  We went to Vegas, we went out to eat, we said we'd see each other again soon.  A week later I did see him, but it was when he was unresponsive in a hospital bed in the ICU.  It's been six difficult days.  I have been wanting to have a one-on-one conversation with him about his upcoming wedding and just trips we may want to take together to show his wife Jam around.  He was so happy.  I think it was the happiest I have ever seen him.  Just like that, it was taken from him.  Tomorrow is the day I presume that his family will take him off life support.  They signed the DNR papers today, so it's only a matter of time.  Here today.  Gone tomorrow.  There's such a thin line between life and death.  I've missed him over these days spent visiting him and waiting in the lobby.  I kept thinking we weren't there for him and he was gonna sit down and join us soon.  That he'd joke and laugh with us.  Then, reality would snap me out of it.  I knew he was in that room, Room 44, in that bed, hooked up to machines.  I wish I could tell him what a great friend he was to me.  He was one of my closest friends.  I wish he knew how much I cared for and loved him as my friend, as my own brother.    I can only hope now that he knew I did when his mind was still here with us.  

2014 Resolution Results

I'm going to give myself a rating of school grades for each resolution.

1. Get my house clean and organized.  B-
2. Don't get caught up in stupid drama.  B
3. Be open to new experiences even if it seems scary.  B
4. Give my dogs more exercise.  C
5. Finish painting the house.  F
6. Be okay with throwing stuff away. No need to hoard things that I think "I can use someday."  A-
7. Focus on work because no one deserves a lazy teacher.  B+
8. Get massages at least twice a month.  C-
9. Connect and communicate with people on a real and honest level.  B-
10. Be grateful and content with the good things in my life.  B
11. Make peace with anyone or anything that deserves it.  B+
12. Always apologize for my mistakes.  A-
13. Show support for people, events, acts, and things that correspond with my personal beliefs and are important to me regardless of what other people say.  A
14. Save more money.  B
15. Travel to at least one place I have never been to before.  D
16. Don't put off appointments with doctors and dentists.  A+
17. Take more pictures of people/with people that I love.  C
18. Get my garden in proper order.  B
19. Be less of a homebody. Go out and do more social activities.  C
20. Find ways to reconnect with friends and family because I sucked at that last year.  C
21. Shut my big, fat, opinionated mouth even if what I have to say is valid, obvious, and even the truth because there may be people around who are sensitive to what I have to say. It doesn't make me less intelligent. It doesn't mean I'm afraid to speak out.  B
22. Don't get into any physical altercations. Try not to get into any verbal ones either.  A
23. Don't judge anyone without knowing their life's journey. Looks can be deceiving.  B
24. Pay acts of kindness forward, no matter how small of an act it is.  B
25. Do not forget this list!!!  A

Overall, I did well!  I'm going to keep working on the low-scoring ones in 2015.  I might add new ones on the list.

Haha or Boohoo?

This is one of those times when I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.  Sometimes you just can't fix what's happening and you gotta try to go with the flow.  It's been a challenge to be a go-with-the-flow kind of person, although I have improved a tiny bit.  I've had lots of thoughts going through my head lately:  cancer, family, death, settling down with someone new, people from my past, work relationships.... The list goes on and on.  Some thoughts are positive, but still have sort of an ominous vibe to them, while other thoughts are sad and scary to even think about.  For example, how many people in my family will succumb to cancer?  Am I going to be one of them?  It's not a good thing to think about at all. At the same time, I also want to yell to the whole world that my family can kick cancer's ass!  Although this is not entirely true.  So that's positive thinking, yet clouded in sadness.  Anyway, just as I thought the road was getting smoother, it remains just as bumpy as before, albeit in a different way.  I'm just going to try to keep finding the silver lining and try to think positively through this section of life.  Also, I'm going to dedicate this particular post to my cousin Mark.  I know he'll be strong enough to persevere through his treatment plan.